~
yes, there are just some things that i can do.... i can be rid of all my past resentments and look to the present and the future with happiness...
i can carry myself forward despite the hurtful things she said... in full understanding that every hurtful word in the world comes from a heart filled with anger....
i can understand that her illness comes from all the worries and stresses... the inability to let go of her control of authority, her need to feel respected...
i can understand my inability to let go of my ego, to talk nicely to her, wanting to prove her wrong all the time, while in the process actually proving her rite....and refusing to admit it (the theory of resistance)
recognising all these, i feel a sense of calmness, like being closer to God :)
~
Thursday, May 28, 2009
a waste of tears...
i started a battle which i'm unable to win.... guess wat? its a battle between the mother and the daughter... yes! a battle doomed to failure even from the beginning, but nonetheless i can only do my best, and "die", rather than becoming a captured slave....
~
One says,
"the doctor said my stomach cells are changing, i must keep happy and cannot be angry or upset"
"im willing to listen to you but u have to put it across in a gracious diplomatic way, not confrontational like u're in ntu debating with ur groupmates"
"dont question me like that, wat ifs..its like shooting bac darts at me now"
"nancy said you are a nice girl, make sure u bring it home to ur parents"
"you have no love for anyone, ur parents or brothers"
"wat must u say?"
"do u mean it"
two says,
"ya, ok, yes...."
"oh so u want me to say sorry, i'll say it, so..rrry..."
"i.. m.ea..n.. it...."
two resolves to continue this battle all the way.... God, u are my strength... Amen...
~
One says,
"the doctor said my stomach cells are changing, i must keep happy and cannot be angry or upset"
"im willing to listen to you but u have to put it across in a gracious diplomatic way, not confrontational like u're in ntu debating with ur groupmates"
"dont question me like that, wat ifs..its like shooting bac darts at me now"
"nancy said you are a nice girl, make sure u bring it home to ur parents"
"you have no love for anyone, ur parents or brothers"
"wat must u say?"
"do u mean it"
two says,
"ya, ok, yes...."
"oh so u want me to say sorry, i'll say it, so..rrry..."
"i.. m.ea..n.. it...."
two resolves to continue this battle all the way.... God, u are my strength... Amen...
differences btw a girl and a guy
~
1) girl: i msn him, how come he dun reply? wish him luck and he ignores....
guy: accidentally close window, * busy studying for exams
2) girl: why he doesn msn me first, always is me?
guy: i dun notice she's online, besides its better face to face, can hug and kiss and make out *then smiles devilishly
3) girl: why do i always sms him first b4 he replies, doesn he think of me, doesn he wonder wat i'm doing?
guy: aiya, i dun like to sms, also nothing to say, plus point 2
4) girl: why i wait for his reply sms will take sooooo long?
guy: dun hav phone with me, sleeping, watching movie, went to play ball, went to toilet, thinking of a reply....
1) girl: i msn him, how come he dun reply? wish him luck and he ignores....
guy: accidentally close window, * busy studying for exams
2) girl: why he doesn msn me first, always is me?
guy: i dun notice she's online, besides its better face to face, can hug and kiss and make out *then smiles devilishly
3) girl: why do i always sms him first b4 he replies, doesn he think of me, doesn he wonder wat i'm doing?
guy: aiya, i dun like to sms, also nothing to say, plus point 2
4) girl: why i wait for his reply sms will take sooooo long?
guy: dun hav phone with me, sleeping, watching movie, went to play ball, went to toilet, thinking of a reply....
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
funny vids i saw...
ahahaha! damn funny, sung by three koreans
touch my body: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMxjFu0ueKc&feature=related
always be my baby: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7oGx2dImE8
we belong together: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBDoIn3BcbY&feature=related
still the usual kind of jokers....and there's many more on youtube, so go check them out urselves...
touch my body: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMxjFu0ueKc&feature=related
always be my baby: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=G7oGx2dImE8
we belong together: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zBDoIn3BcbY&feature=related
still the usual kind of jokers....and there's many more on youtube, so go check them out urselves...
viruses (not the H1N1)
my goodness, i kena viruses again!! that company's databases are screwed up man, no matter where they are, raffles place or keppel! luckily this time i was brilliant enuf to call up my scanning b4 i opened my thumbdrive... dun anyone there do any virus scanning??? sheesh!
for the last 5min of the working day
~
as the minutes creep by,
so my heartbeat ups by,
going, going and then gone!
2minutes... 1minute...
the light-heartedness,
the euphoria,
of a working day just gone!
~
YIPPEEE! off work it is! :)
as the minutes creep by,
so my heartbeat ups by,
going, going and then gone!
2minutes... 1minute...
the light-heartedness,
the euphoria,
of a working day just gone!
~
YIPPEEE! off work it is! :)
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
btw right and wrong, there is...
recently watched a interesting hk drama "catch me now". The story is essentially about police and thieves but the "thieves" are modern day robinhooders.
it questions the fact that if criminals cannot be punished by the law due to the lack of evidence, should others step in to right this unfairness, by using drastic and somewat criminal-like methods to bring justice to those who rightly deserve?
this is the so-called grey area which is wide open for any debate. if u were to look at it in both ways, those who say yes to robinhooders want justice to be given no matter wat, while those naysayers may say that these robinhooders are putting it on themselves to mete out punishment. the question then comes, how do the robinhooders gauge how much punishment to give? this power of meting out punishment could probably corrupt their minds, and give them false impression that they have the final judgement..? hmmm, i'm nt too sure....
it questions the fact that if criminals cannot be punished by the law due to the lack of evidence, should others step in to right this unfairness, by using drastic and somewat criminal-like methods to bring justice to those who rightly deserve?
this is the so-called grey area which is wide open for any debate. if u were to look at it in both ways, those who say yes to robinhooders want justice to be given no matter wat, while those naysayers may say that these robinhooders are putting it on themselves to mete out punishment. the question then comes, how do the robinhooders gauge how much punishment to give? this power of meting out punishment could probably corrupt their minds, and give them false impression that they have the final judgement..? hmmm, i'm nt too sure....
a dialogue btw 2 persons.....
~
"you come home so late, not safe!" says one.
"but i've got company!" says two.
"you have company so what?! Can company you to the doorstep meh?!"
"if there is a need, doorstep can...!"
"still not safe...."
*one grumbles under her breath and pauses a while...
with renewed vigor, one continues
"and coming home late is bad for ur health! especially bathing so late, next time (#touch wood) grow old can get rheumatism! and you dun have enuf rest!"
two shakes her head and mutters under her breath
"i'm not gonna listen cos u're unreasonable"
and both rests for the nite..... ..............
"you come home so late, not safe!" says one.
"but i've got company!" says two.
"you have company so what?! Can company you to the doorstep meh?!"
"if there is a need, doorstep can...!"
"still not safe...."
*one grumbles under her breath and pauses a while...
with renewed vigor, one continues
"and coming home late is bad for ur health! especially bathing so late, next time (#touch wood) grow old can get rheumatism! and you dun have enuf rest!"
two shakes her head and mutters under her breath
"i'm not gonna listen cos u're unreasonable"
and both rests for the nite..... ..............
eating at billy bombers for wj's bdae!
yupz, wj reminded me that we had discount vouchers from billy bombers, and so we went there fr his bdae :) but it kinda got off to a bad start since i was picky and particular abt its value for money... i could sense his frustration as i thumbed through the menu and which also got me irritated and upset. However, when the milkshake was served and i sipped the first mouthful, my mood was lifted...
we had a terrific meal! wj had his multi-level burger which was messy to eat and totally sinful (thinking about how many calories and how much exercise he has to do), while i had steak which expended a lot of my energy to cut and chew (my fingers were hurting from gripping the knife too hard and my mouth slightly suan from all the chewing) and it was good! he enjoyed his meal so much he gave the gourmet handsign (ok sign slighted tilted near the lip) haha!!
After dinner, we went to watch angels and demons. it was a good movie and kept me excited throughout! i haven watched such an exciting movie in a long while :D yea i forgot the story cos i read the book sometime ago, but wj told me some details which refreshed my memory somewhat lol!
anyways a otherwise beautiful nite was marred by a call from my mum, who scolded me saying i shouldn come home so late every nite blah blah blah... "this is the last time, i wont allow it!"
i'm intending to ignore this unreasonable demand, God help me!
we had a terrific meal! wj had his multi-level burger which was messy to eat and totally sinful (thinking about how many calories and how much exercise he has to do), while i had steak which expended a lot of my energy to cut and chew (my fingers were hurting from gripping the knife too hard and my mouth slightly suan from all the chewing) and it was good! he enjoyed his meal so much he gave the gourmet handsign (ok sign slighted tilted near the lip) haha!!
After dinner, we went to watch angels and demons. it was a good movie and kept me excited throughout! i haven watched such an exciting movie in a long while :D yea i forgot the story cos i read the book sometime ago, but wj told me some details which refreshed my memory somewhat lol!
anyways a otherwise beautiful nite was marred by a call from my mum, who scolded me saying i shouldn come home so late every nite blah blah blah... "this is the last time, i wont allow it!"
i'm intending to ignore this unreasonable demand, God help me!
today's special
haha, today is wj's 23rd bdae, yup, i'm going to treat him to dinner.. but where?? somewhere that is affordable (still sore abt my throwing $$ into the deep sea!) hmmm, mayb later we go check out the place then see how... oh yea, there's this jap place at tm1, but i can foresee that it will be super crowded (wooh, i can see the future...wahahhaha)
Monday, May 25, 2009
my wishes
~
i wish that i could fly all over the world, to see the sights, to hear the sounds, to consume every type of glorious food, to smell the nature...
i wish i could turn back time, to the times when i was young, innocently childlike and fun to have around with frens, playing at the playground, swinging madly on the monkey bars, playing catching in the sand...
i wish i could be creatively intelligent, to create my own stories or games or anything fun, to sing really well, to play musical instruments, to dance freely, to draw caricatures or anything arty, to form my own opinions, to give arguments convincingly, to outtalk people who appear to be reasonable, to create solutions to simple life problems...
i wish i knew wat i wanted in my life, my goals or accomplishments besides God and wj....
i wish..... and i can only wish.......
i wish that i could fly all over the world, to see the sights, to hear the sounds, to consume every type of glorious food, to smell the nature...
i wish i could turn back time, to the times when i was young, innocently childlike and fun to have around with frens, playing at the playground, swinging madly on the monkey bars, playing catching in the sand...
i wish i could be creatively intelligent, to create my own stories or games or anything fun, to sing really well, to play musical instruments, to dance freely, to draw caricatures or anything arty, to form my own opinions, to give arguments convincingly, to outtalk people who appear to be reasonable, to create solutions to simple life problems...
i wish i knew wat i wanted in my life, my goals or accomplishments besides God and wj....
i wish..... and i can only wish.......
all about the stormy clouds
~
i could see, even with the window blinds, that the weather looks dark. Gloomy clouds floating in the skies, reflecting my deepest, darkest fears...
of what? i think to myself. what am i exactly afraid of? the feeling of abandonment, the loneliness that surrounds my heart, or the fact that i am just a paranoid person?
yes, i shake my head to clear these thoughts which are simply senseless, just a distraction to my task of looking out the window and appreciating the raindrops pattering away on the sill. The rumbling of thunder just further ahead in the horizon. Waiting, just waiting...
i could see, even with the window blinds, that the weather looks dark. Gloomy clouds floating in the skies, reflecting my deepest, darkest fears...
of what? i think to myself. what am i exactly afraid of? the feeling of abandonment, the loneliness that surrounds my heart, or the fact that i am just a paranoid person?
yes, i shake my head to clear these thoughts which are simply senseless, just a distraction to my task of looking out the window and appreciating the raindrops pattering away on the sill. The rumbling of thunder just further ahead in the horizon. Waiting, just waiting...
last nite while i lie in bed..
last nite when i was lying in bed, i was thinking of ways to occupy myself, for example doing some writing... but then i tot to myself, wat can i write, poetry?? stories???? i dun have any interesting experiences to share, nor a rich imagination, or somehow i outgrew it when i reached JC.. hmmm... or mayb... i could just type out anything here since i'm the only one who mite read bac and laugh abt it.... so... even if is junk or things that dun make sense, i can jus type it all in here... but whoever happens to come in here, sorry u have to put up with this s***
;d
ok so here it goes:
As i sit in front of the comp,
my head could only swim with figures
watever that debits, credits
watever that pluses will also minus,
so its all in the process,
the accounting process
oh, that process that confuses,
rages auditors and the like
but it is all necessary
to fuel the business madness
;d
ok so here it goes:
As i sit in front of the comp,
my head could only swim with figures
watever that debits, credits
watever that pluses will also minus,
so its all in the process,
the accounting process
oh, that process that confuses,
rages auditors and the like
but it is all necessary
to fuel the business madness
happy news from my colleague
karen just now told me a good news, that she's bac together with ian! thats great! and wat she told me was that ian had received Christ without telling her! lol! she said she did not want him to do this because of her, and that he genuinely wants Jesus into his life... and he admitted that at first he did so to get her back, but after listening to the sermon, he really wanted it... i was happy for her too!
well, sometimes, i wish that wj could do that too... to genuinely accept God into his life... but this i leave it to God..
this also got me thinking, like sometimes, i wan wj to do certain things but nt for me only, and that he is interested also... however this is tough, nearly impossible cos we are worlds apart in 80% of our interests, like his love for anime and manga, his philosophical viewpoints, his english dramas/movies etc.
is hard to get him to like wat i like, and he said b4 that he will do so if i wanted him to, but the point is he does not genuinely like it... and he has strong opinions which i wont/unable to argue..
so although i feel sad at times, i just gotta let it be, cos we are sooooooooooooo different, it just makes it harder to figure out how we even get together and lasts so long (it casts doubts in my mind abt our future together...)
anyways, this is again me rambling... though i digress from my happiness for my fren :)
well, sometimes, i wish that wj could do that too... to genuinely accept God into his life... but this i leave it to God..
this also got me thinking, like sometimes, i wan wj to do certain things but nt for me only, and that he is interested also... however this is tough, nearly impossible cos we are worlds apart in 80% of our interests, like his love for anime and manga, his philosophical viewpoints, his english dramas/movies etc.
is hard to get him to like wat i like, and he said b4 that he will do so if i wanted him to, but the point is he does not genuinely like it... and he has strong opinions which i wont/unable to argue..
so although i feel sad at times, i just gotta let it be, cos we are sooooooooooooo different, it just makes it harder to figure out how we even get together and lasts so long (it casts doubts in my mind abt our future together...)
anyways, this is again me rambling... though i digress from my happiness for my fren :)
praying and a quiet moment
seriously, when you feel depressed abt urself, the best possible thing u can do is to sit down crosslegged to find ur quiet moment and pray/meditate. another good thing is to settle down to reading a few verses of the Bible. i was so much better that i slept really well!
anyways, the reason i was depressed is cos i realise that wj has even more common grounds with the girl, not only at the maturity level, but also in interests. she introduced him to a drama, and he got hooked. to me, it is the type of typical drama that i watch and want to intro him, but the difference is in the theme which is based on classical music.
this got me thinking that, they have quite some things in common, and can tok abt anything under the sun. then i just felt bad.
anyways, this kind of coincided to my pms season, so i was downright sad.... but as i prayed, i realised some other things, wat wj say is rite, i just need some distraction, because i've graduated and actually have a lot of free time after work to 'imagine' things. so i'm thinking that mayb i should go and learn new stuff, like go and borrow books of different countries, borrow from da jie her jap book to learn some jap?etc..
also, to absorb from God's Word, which can calm me and leave me peaceful. Amen!
anyways, the reason i was depressed is cos i realise that wj has even more common grounds with the girl, not only at the maturity level, but also in interests. she introduced him to a drama, and he got hooked. to me, it is the type of typical drama that i watch and want to intro him, but the difference is in the theme which is based on classical music.
this got me thinking that, they have quite some things in common, and can tok abt anything under the sun. then i just felt bad.
anyways, this kind of coincided to my pms season, so i was downright sad.... but as i prayed, i realised some other things, wat wj say is rite, i just need some distraction, because i've graduated and actually have a lot of free time after work to 'imagine' things. so i'm thinking that mayb i should go and learn new stuff, like go and borrow books of different countries, borrow from da jie her jap book to learn some jap?etc..
also, to absorb from God's Word, which can calm me and leave me peaceful. Amen!
Thursday, May 21, 2009
disappointed nevertheless
adam lost! although i did prepare that mentally, but still feel kinda disappointed... especially after i watched the finale last nite! he sang so so well and clearly overshadowed Kris! except for the part where he sang with KISS, which i totally hate, anyways i fully appreciate his talents!
i tell u, if he sang the prayer or dust in the wind, i would have 'melted' man! haha, and so would other girls swooning over him...
today i also read in the report in lifestyle that there was this woman in her 40s who superbly supports him and saving up to see him in action.. and that she commented that she's a middle-aged woman who behaves like a teenager. i totally agree, cos adam's appeal is really that magnetic, such that someone like me who don normally follow idol, am really into it... will miss his performances... hopefull nt for long... hehe
i tell u, if he sang the prayer or dust in the wind, i would have 'melted' man! haha, and so would other girls swooning over him...
today i also read in the report in lifestyle that there was this woman in her 40s who superbly supports him and saving up to see him in action.. and that she commented that she's a middle-aged woman who behaves like a teenager. i totally agree, cos adam's appeal is really that magnetic, such that someone like me who don normally follow idol, am really into it... will miss his performances... hopefull nt for long... hehe
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
just struck me with something i read
just read something from urbanmonk.net about love... and it struck a cord with me.... the source of all my insecurities is the lack of self-love (wj would have agreed with both hands and legs uplifted, he's always so perceptive abt me, but me less of him) anyways, yupz i agreed with it, and i hope i have learnt some tips to self love... lol!
anyone who happens to stumble here and interested to read abt it, can go here http://www.urbanmonk.net/133/the-flower-of-love/
anyone who happens to stumble here and interested to read abt it, can go here http://www.urbanmonk.net/133/the-flower-of-love/
my american idol - adam lambert
yup, my favourite idol is adam! i've nvr been a strong american idol follower, oh please, in fact i nvr really watched it! until nancy introduced me to her favourite singer, adam lambert. at that time, i only just said ok and then forgot abt it. BUT then, it so happened that wj also says he's good, and i wondered how good is he??!! so i asked him to you tube him and i heard his voice for the first time, wow! was i wowed and taken over by his voice! i went to google abt him and you tubed him, and oh boy i became his ardent fan! he could sing almost everything, from classical to rock, my goodness!! wat a unique voice can??!!! his versatility really won me over, and since that time, i've been following idol haha! tonite could be the finals performance!! woohoo!! cant wait!! :D
though i really want adam to win, i did not want to be disappointed if kris wins... he mite because of his cuteness and goody goody boy image and the hype abt adam already winning it... so... i made a bet with karen that if kris wins, she will owe me a rock melon juice haha!
if adam wins, i'm happy to lose the bet! but if adam loses, i would not feel sad, at least i have something to look forward to... a cooollllll rockmelon juice!! *wee
though i really want adam to win, i did not want to be disappointed if kris wins... he mite because of his cuteness and goody goody boy image and the hype abt adam already winning it... so... i made a bet with karen that if kris wins, she will owe me a rock melon juice haha!
if adam wins, i'm happy to lose the bet! but if adam loses, i would not feel sad, at least i have something to look forward to... a cooollllll rockmelon juice!! *wee
basically me
me, a 22 yr old insecure lady (or not quite yet, haha!) who has a bf who loves me to death and cares about my every feeling and emotion, who has a family of 2 bros and a pair of parents (like duh) but they are more of acquaintances, sad to say. like wat my bf says is rite, my household is ruled by nothing but fear, so who's to say i should feel loved and well-cared for even if it is true that i'm luckier than most other children who mite nt have concerned parents. anyways i shall not harp on that and live my life as it is. i'm only truly wacky when i'm with wj... no one else, not even my close frens have seen me in "action". LOL (@_@)
why i say that i'm insecure? is because i'm worrying about wj changing. of course everyone will change, like maturing overtime etc, but i'm nt toking about that kind of change... its more of his love for me, which i am supremely worried abt. ever since he started becoming comfortable with a girl online, ive been feeling a lil' ill at ease. the reason is that i think the girl is on par in mature thinking as him, and can engage him in really long and intellectual conversations that i cant, and i also feel bad that we are quite opposites and dun share that much in common, except for eating... for me, i think that for parties to live together eventually, they shd share more similarities than differences. although there is a popular saying "opposites attract", but i'm nt quite so sure of it. yes, of course there are instances like wj's parents.... however, i cant be that convinced. And i shall leave it at that....
another thing is i dun think i'm interesting enuf for him. my topics of conversation always revolved ard myself and frens and wat funny things we shared. i noe that as i tell wj all these, he appears to listen and laugh as well but he's actually filtering out wat i tell him. sometimes i do feel upset that i cant engage him, but i guess i'm leaving it as that also. we are all humans after all, we cant expect to be identical to one another.
another thing that holds me back from doing things that are different is my mum. she's one hell of a control freak, thanks to my granddad who's ultimately strict with her when she was young. apparently she likes to raise history to prove that i'm so much luckier that she's nt as strict as my granddad. wat the??!! and i will say that history is past, now is the present. she treats me like a pri sch kid, so much for being a teacher before and old habits die hard etc... it is all to me a whole lot of crap! she refuses to think and admit her mistake, choosing the stupid thing of believing that she eats more salt than my eating rice. and wat do i think? oh!? so old people will not make mistakes huh??!!! are u human?? if u are, u are bound to make mistakes!
ok anyways, i've typed alot... i shd stop now....
why i say that i'm insecure? is because i'm worrying about wj changing. of course everyone will change, like maturing overtime etc, but i'm nt toking about that kind of change... its more of his love for me, which i am supremely worried abt. ever since he started becoming comfortable with a girl online, ive been feeling a lil' ill at ease. the reason is that i think the girl is on par in mature thinking as him, and can engage him in really long and intellectual conversations that i cant, and i also feel bad that we are quite opposites and dun share that much in common, except for eating... for me, i think that for parties to live together eventually, they shd share more similarities than differences. although there is a popular saying "opposites attract", but i'm nt quite so sure of it. yes, of course there are instances like wj's parents.... however, i cant be that convinced. And i shall leave it at that....
another thing is i dun think i'm interesting enuf for him. my topics of conversation always revolved ard myself and frens and wat funny things we shared. i noe that as i tell wj all these, he appears to listen and laugh as well but he's actually filtering out wat i tell him. sometimes i do feel upset that i cant engage him, but i guess i'm leaving it as that also. we are all humans after all, we cant expect to be identical to one another.
another thing that holds me back from doing things that are different is my mum. she's one hell of a control freak, thanks to my granddad who's ultimately strict with her when she was young. apparently she likes to raise history to prove that i'm so much luckier that she's nt as strict as my granddad. wat the??!! and i will say that history is past, now is the present. she treats me like a pri sch kid, so much for being a teacher before and old habits die hard etc... it is all to me a whole lot of crap! she refuses to think and admit her mistake, choosing the stupid thing of believing that she eats more salt than my eating rice. and wat do i think? oh!? so old people will not make mistakes huh??!!! are u human?? if u are, u are bound to make mistakes!
ok anyways, i've typed alot... i shd stop now....
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