been with ups and downs recently

ive been emotionally up and down recently, dunno is it the changing of my hormones?? or i'm just troubled with various issues???
the last issue on my mind is someone owing me a whole lot of cash, and my worries that i cant get back the $$
been abit gan chiong about it, and also the fact that it was part of my life's savings, which is itself hard earned! so i dun wan any person i trust to abuse that trust! :(

a book i'm currently reading

now i'm reading this book by danielle steel called 'toxic bachelors'
its pretty interesting about 3 bachelors who meet each other every year for a fun vacation on a yacht. their definition of fun sounded kinda debauchery and mostly sinful however, each of them meets a woman and falls in love. of course they make changes for their women, but these changes did not come easy, and makes good reading and food for thought.
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aside from reading, something else thats quite random... i'm thinking of getting lasik to correct my sight..... its abt 3k plus and can be cumbersome for that one month after the surgery. shd i really do it?? mayb just before my wedding? LOL

fleeting thoughts

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are frens meant to be like that? sometimes i wonder.... mayb they do not consider me as their fren, mayb just colleagues and mere acquaintances...

this colleague who was leaving the company took my other 2 colleagues out for lunch and did not inform me... ok.... mayb i shdn even have expected... nowadays (or rather since long time ago), i was visibly left out from their group.. so i guess it was no strange thing that they left for lunch just like that... the thing was that when i asked where they going for lunch, that colleague was evasive and simply said just going out of this place.... well, she wouldn even tell me where they were going.... so what does that mean?
well i guess simply that... i'm not considered her fren... i didn even noe today was her last day till i read her facebook... (apparently i could guess she was leaving earlier from her comments, and of course no mention of it from anyone not even my dad)
okok, i'm just meant to be left out of things... i dun even noe why? its as if when they tell me i'm going to tell everyone else... nopez, i can respect ur privacy as long as u tell me u dun wan to let anyone else noe about this... besides, most of my secrets are told to wj, who keeps everything to himself...
anyways, yea, sometimes it bothers me so much and makes me so unhappy, but..... i guess..... if thats what she (or others) are, why do i even bother about them??? rationally speaking yes, i could jolly well not care about how they treat me and still continue toking to them... but emotionally i feel so..... sad..... like i cant let go of this sad feeling.... even if i can temporarily push them aside or forget them, it will still come back to haunt me...
thats when i become all-so-negative again....
i noe all this about myself, but i have no idea wat i shd do??? what can i do???
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my headache

i cannot handle facing anyone at the moment, with the headache.... besides, i cant quite bring myself to forget something that happened... someone simply brushing aside something i had formed (or thought i'm trying to form). so much conflicting emotions, so much thinking.. so much that i cant let go... something that i cannot simply type down into words... now my headache is the forefront of everything...
awwww!!

something that puzzles me

this morn my phone alarm failed to ring and i was awakened by my dad. i on my phone to check and realised it was out of battery... but... i vaguely remembered when i offed my phone early last nite it still has 2 bars! unless i did not off my phone properly and it restarted? i'm pretty sure i did off it properly.
the second thing that puzzled me was the way i placed my phone b4 i sleep. it wasn supposed to be in a precarious situation where it is likely to drop or fall onto the table.... very very strange...
as if my phone was touched last nite...
only by me, unless i sleep-walked!!??? hmmm.... mayb i shd monitor my phone again... sigh!

eventful new year for 2010

its been a great whirlwind of events, watched sherlock holmes and alvin and the chipmunks, ate buffalo wings level 10 spicyness that literally numbed my body and caused tears to well up, got a real LV wallet at orchard ion as a gift from wj's uncle, he got everyone to choose something from the shop, amazing! and its my very first (and probably last) branded good. everyone came away with LV bags but i didn want to be conspicuously seen bringing it along, so i chose a wallet, lol
the highlight was actually the buffalo wings, its a first and also mayb the last spicy affair... level 10 was the highest on the menu but its not the highest as we expected... we actually have to request for the higher levels (with level 35 the highest and a certificate given to anyone who manages to finish 6wings) wow! i couldn really picture anyone finishing to that level!
woohoo, *blowing out smoke :D

xmas dinner

had a really wonderful company dinner last nite @ mandarin oriental! i ate up mostly the crabs, lobsters, sashimi, roast ham, and cakes! the cakes were fabulous, sweet but not that sweet, and the coffee flavour of the xmas log cake just makes it all so yummy!
after dinner we had lucky draw of some sorts, with everyone eventually getting a present. the funny thing was i got the present that my dad was eyeing, wine and cup set! so everyone was congratulating me, saying, "good, then u can give to ur dad!"
haha! call that fate, it was meant to be my dad's when he first caught eye on it! LOL

the end of the year

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with the year ending,
a new beginning awaits,
new trials and lessons,
new people,
and mayb even new frens,
but one thing never changes,
God's love for us.

as i reflect on wats going on in my life,
i realise,
its all about decisions,
whether wise or unwise,
happy or not,
it is all cause and effect.

someone said i was self-absorbed,
mayb i am,
or i just felt like not bothering to maintain a facade,
to mask my self confidence of not knowing how to communicate with others.
i try my best when meeting up with frens, but deep down, i know the truth.
sometimes i believe my frens are able to sense this as well,
thats why i never have that many close frens in my entire 23yrs.
my so called close frens are not as close as i wanted them to be,
alas!

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they say that as long as u sincerely care for ur frens, they will draw closer to u,
or does it mean that i'm not sincere on how i treat my frens??? i dunno....
as the end of the year draws to a close, i hope that my concern for others will grow....

the past few days of activity

yeah, i was so kept up with activities this week (since my mum is away, *who let the dogs out woof woof woof woof woof haha! ;d) but somehow i feel quite disconnected with myself... perhaps i didn spend enuf time with myself.... sometimes, we need the peace and quiet to calm down our excitable selves and of course to pray and communicate with our daddy God.
anyways tonite is perhaps one of the last nites of my total anarchic freedom... and i'm gonna go watch a live basketball game! *Whoops
i wish i could play ball well, but unfortunately i dun have the will to keep up with it, perhaps my passion is only temporary, lik all other things that make me excited..

feeling bored

the feeling of boredom, is so rare, cos a burden was just lifted from my shoulders... been rushing for data conversion for 30 companies, the procedure is easy but it was downright tedious! plus the fact that i have to deliver it this morning, (thank God i finished it yesterday!)
haha! so now i'm pretty free as a bird, till my next customer does some preparation for the setup.

cant bear to go bac to work so quickly on mon, so i took leave to rest my routinised mind (doing the same steps 30 times is no kidding i tell u, i think i would be able to do this kind of data conversion next time with both eyes closed... >.<)

so yea, m waiting to continue my foosball.... waiting... still waiting....