pictures of last lunch (hopefully not) with karen

after our very sumptious roasted pork and duck rice with vegetables, fruits and grass jelly,

we took these pictures. this will leave very good memories for me and for the rest of the team :)

and i wish karen all the best for her future endeavours.

" 笑口常开，好运自然来”

recently been down...

yes, ive been down recently... today is karen's last day, and now i'm the only female left in the technical team... i can no longer bug her to discuss our problems together and can only go straight to the senior... less fun and laughter from complaints about our customers... more silence in the office...

also, ive been thinking about my ability to do well in my work, perhaps i'm too impatient and want to see results which i don, and it makes me sad... my soft skills are sorely lacking and i need to learn... the unfortunate thing is i'm nt living up to my own expectations, or mayb they are too high??!! i'm not sure...

or mayb i should just not expect anything, as long as i do my best??!! wat is my best then?? i'm not sure.... ok then i shd get back to work...

say here plainly...

~my mum

yes! u're telling the truth, u dislike wj! to admit it blatantly whenever i piss u off... this also pisses me off, but at least it proves that i'm rite all along. nothing can ever change ur thinking, even if i can prove that he can take care of me....
"no good one la, wenjie too playful, so unambitious, go out all the time, always fun-loving, no good la! how to be responsible to take care of the family next time?!"

You noe wat???!!! i'm also super sick of listening to all ur unfounded comments! so wat if he/I go out like every other day? so wat if we are young and wanna have fun before growing old??!! Is a crime to do that is it? Besides, u wan everyone to be as lonely as u are, pushing ppl away from u by behaving in such a manner... so wat if u're my mum??!!! a respectful figure, my foot ah!

do u even have any idea how rebellious are children nowadays??!! look at those on the mrt, not only their dressing, but their whole demeanor, smacks of rebellion, toking like ah bengs or ah lians or the whole train belongs to them...

i'm nt even like that and u're already putting the blame on wj.. i'm so like a floormat isnt it?? meant to be stepped on and bullied by u... all ur tough love?! If thats the case, I'd rather not be loved....

watever u say, i'll just listen in anger, but at the same time, i do not bother saying anything....
i'd rather watch tv then hear u yak! please just stop toking unless u have something constructive, or something that makes me happier....

ok enuf of my ranting...

when i become needy..

~
when i become needy,
i become grumpy,
small disappointments growing
as big as saucers,
a good listening ear,
is it what i need?
preferably not,
it could be better left alone
to sort out one's thoughts,
to depend on thyself
because others come and go.
~

Dear Lord, when i become needy, please help me to fix my eyes on u, for u are the pillar of strength. Amen!

A story that could be real

~
"why do i need to live much longer? what's the point of living when i'm experiencing aches and pains and stress and have no one to live for?"
this was something similar to wat i heard and it kind of scares me. Not that the depression and the helplessness was unexpected, but the thinking that was triggered was, like death was the solution?!

Why are ppl's comments so "deadly" for some and not for others? perhaps everyone has issues they are senstive to, and once "touched" upon, they can fly into a rage, go into depression and helplessness or even contemplate suicide in the worst case!

i perhaps choose to be depressed and helpless for awhile before the cycle returns... this is a shell that retreats into itself to rebuild the walls that have been torn down. At the very least it stays that way, until something really devastating comes along and catches me unawares and pins me down into the depths. that point would really have been close to death's door...
~

the end

knowing wat u want in life

yes, i've been thinking somewat about that lately, ever since i met up with sock hoon. She has matured and grown over the months, and i think coaching really helps her. I told her some of my concerns and she encouraged me to join the events, but i told her i'm nt really interested because i don like to attend any netmeeting stuff. i will probably stand in one corner, being visibly awkward and avoid toking to ppl haha!
and of course wat she said reminded me of going to read up on something inspirational. i came across this article about are we sleepwalking through life. it is a interesting read :)
http://celestinechua.com/blog/2009/01/are-you-sleepwalking-your-life-away/

not as unusual as i think

i often wondered how common was my name Noella, so one fine day, i went to friend finder on facebook and typed in. Boy, Noella was pretty hot, and came back with 500 plus people! Noellas of different races, whether middle name or last name appeared :)
Also, i went to check for Noella Tan, and four people (including me appeared) haha! so, as i thought my name was unique and can find none other, it was a surprise to see 3 other Noella Tans.
i was thinking wow, im cloned! LOL

the inevitable...

~
a colleague has left, she has to go back to philippines for treatment because of some health problems.
Although I'm not close to her, i still feel like a member of the comptrac family is missing. Looking at my calendar of photos detailing our memorable macau trip, a sense of melancholy washed over me.
Isn't parting between people inevitable? i thought to myself. Still this feeling niggled at me.
~

wonder...

~
i used to think i am a good listener, but realistically speaking, maybe not. I am more caught up in my own world than trying to figure out others'. Perhaps, that is why i cannot click with certain people, alot of people that is!
my social awkwardness did nothing to help either. At times, i do not know what to say to the other parties, so i tend to bore them with my stories. To me, my stories are "interesting", but to others, apparently nonsensical and better not to listen.
I see it in their inattentive faces, my inability to connect to them hurt me. But i pretend not to care, for that is what i can only do.
My heart is screaming for someone who truly understands me, who truly listens to my every "lame" story. That someone came close, yet he is not the one.
i think no one can, only my heavenly Father...
~

loser, sore or not

~
sore loser, loser sore
for a reason no one can fathom
except for that person.
for out of the depths,
comes the low self esteem
it is only in winning,
that the esteem can be made higher
all this is but one false front
for all this crumbles
when constant losing takes place.
when everything seems useless....
~